"You're such a waste"

Don’t you ever say that to me again.

That’s the second time you have degraded me…
Don’t you ever put me down and make me feel so inferior in comparison to a mere stranger.

It’s almost as if you forgot who I was. I know you’re upset that I asked you a question that lacked a lot of common sense; I’m human. I make mistakes and I am not flawless. That did not mean that you had to go and just tear me up, mangle me from the inside out because you didn’t enjoy yourself.

You need to learn that once you say something; you can’t take it back.

That cut me down to the core and I have the sickly feeling that I will be crying myself to sleep tonight.

You are the only one that can console me. And even though you said that and hurt me; never, ever forget that I love you.

Dear Lord, I'm still in need of your guidance.

Please no,

1 February 2010@3:49PM

No this is why I won’t talk because you persist and persuade and won’t quit but I won’t proceed any further. Perhaps we’ll find each other again in the near future. With compassion, Shane.

What's With You?

I was really taken back when you said, “None of your business” to me, after I asked where you were; I asked because I cared and I missed you. To tell you the truth I found it quite rude, and you would do that to me—of all people you would say that to. Personally, I thought we were open with each other. And another thing, whenever you forgive me you do not make me feel secure about it, you’re always blunt as in, “I already forgave you, why are you bothering me about it now?” Quoted from yesterday. And you say that I’m different when it comes to forgiving? You claim that I’m all “quiet” and you being upset with me because you don’t feel secure. I very, very clearly do not recall me being quiet whenever I forgive you. I welcome you back warmly with open arms and lovingly reassuring you that it’s completely okay and that you are entirely forgiven. If I was like this in the during the beginning of our relationship, then it’s is utterly pointless to use it as evidence to back you up. I know for a fact that I have changed since I’ve met you; you know this too and you have seen my growth. Just because I did it before does not give you any right to retaliate and mirror my actions back to me. I was NOT being unfaithful to you, I feel that you have not opened your mind and accepted the fact that it was a misunderstanding. And it bothers me down to the core. Why? I don’t feel secure about your forgiveness towards me. If anything, I was supposed to be the one mad at you for being so dang stubborn and close-minded for not hearing me out and listening to me when I was telling you the truth.

I miss you. Figuratively, emotionally, and physically.
It already hurts that we’re not close because of what happened yesterday. The distance between us hurts me even more because I still miss your presence. When you called me today, you practically left me on the phone…waiting for you to come back. I missed you even more. I wanted to talk to you, bond with you, get our closeness back because it is so important to me…because I love you! Because the only time I felt close to you was when I called you in the middle of class today; when you wanted to tell me that you loved me. It felt so warm, happy, reassuring…when I got home those happy feelings that you established within me slowly drained away.

Shane Dasta, I love you…more than you will ever know.
I swear on my life and our relationship that I would never, ever submit myself infidelity. I know that it is wrong, immoral and no one should ever experience that type of pain, ever. You mean everything to me and I would never do something like that to hurt you and sabotage our love for each other. I love you, with all of my heart.

It’s just…if only you saw the words that I have expressed on here; you would understand where I’m coming from, our problems from my point of view. The wrong things you have said and done to me…that have been tacitly forgiven with no apology uttered from your lips.

If only…
If only, my love, you knew…

I love you Shane Powell Dasta. With everything. More than you know.

The perfect image would be, me with tears welling up in my eyes and you wrapping your strong arms around me tightly; kissing me on the forehead and reassuring me that you're not going anywhere and everything is going to be okay.

I'll never be good enough

Suicidal sacrifice

You said that you wanted your little wild “moment” by having a threesome. You said that you had to re-convince me, but you already took that decision back a long time ago. I know that I’ve had some “wild” moments in the past but they will never be up to par as a threesome, and to tell you the truth that’s too far for me. Way out of my league. Too wild for my standards. I told you that I wouldn’t know what to do, I don’t think you understood me, because you told me to do what I’ve always done since I know how to take care of you. I’d be put in the position to continue or walk out of the room and the choice I make will end in tears. If I continue with it, I guarantee you I will cry after it’s done and over with and if I walk away—honestly, I don’t even think you would come after me if I walked away from it.

But I was thinking, I don’t even know if I’m ever going to say this to you…but, you can have your moment, but know that it won’t be me that you’re going to be sharing it with. And also know that I killed myself on the inside to give into your needs and to satisfy you.

I love you so very much. More than you will ever know.